I was meditating outside in the middle of the night in the pouring rain, oblivious to the pelting and the cold and centered in utter stillness when the message came in. It was already getting old by precious minutes when I got back inside and checked my messages.
SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT
Men With Pens will redesign. Their Drive-by Shootings are unchecked. Time to do for them what they’ve done for many. The Men With Pens blog design? Take it out as only you can.
Hmm. Had to act fast. No time for elaborate planning. This was going to be fast, dirty, and silent. An improvised mission they would never see coming. Remarkablogger, posting on a Saturday? Bucking the long-standing tradition of drive-by shootings by slipping in with nothing but a single knife in the dark? Yeah, that would work.
I fired up the Jeep and headed out to the Canadian wilderness to the MwP compound. In a black special ops pack beside me in the passenger seat was a minimum of get-in-get-out gear. My knife, an Interceptor 911 TiCN, was strapped to my thigh. My left thigh. One more thing they wouldn’t expect: a southpaw. Heh. I couldn’t help but smile as I made my approach. I killed the headlights and put the nightvision goggles on. Everything went green.
The Men had made the mistake of leaving a window cracked open to let in some cool night air. I slipped in silently.
On a lonely monitor in the dark was the Men With Pens site. I set to work.
"Let’s see," I said out loud to myself, "The number one issue I see here is an identity crisis. It’s not that they don’t know who they are, it’s that we don’t know who they really are. The title tag says ‘Copywriting and Web Design’ but the banner says otherwise: ‘Shooting from the hip’ which says nothing substantive and ‘Web Business Tips for Writers, Freelancers, and Online Entrepreneurs’ which isn’t really text at all, since it’s in an image. Will the real tagline please stand up? What’s the unique value proposition, here? I don’t see it.
"Arial? Why do people insist on using Arial for body text? Don’t they know it predates the web and is one of the least readable fonts onscreen? Verdana, guys, Verdana. It’s at least 25% more readable onscreen than Arial is. Arial’s good for one thing only: headlines. Speaking of headlines, I like to see more than just one font in a design: one for headlines, one for body text.
"The logo. Good work, but it needs to be better. Changing this would change the entire design, though. You know what I think? Instead of a shooting metaphor, I’d rather see a "pen is mightier than the sword" idea. Pens criss-crossed like swashbuckler swords. A hint of daring-do in the overall design. Earthier colors instead of all the black and red.
"The business. Where is it? I bet more business comes in through the contact page than the Hired Guns page. What exactly do these guys offer? I can’t tell on the home page. And frankly, if I can’t see it and understand in only few precious seconds upon landing, they’ve already lost business. Would you open a store and then try to hide the entrance?
"The business and services pages are too difficult to navigate. Needs a more unified front. A listing of services does not convey benefit. The clients page is a bit of a mess. I want screenshots, descriptions of the goals and deliverables, I want testimonials. I want to see how you work with clients, because that’s how I know how you’ll work with me if I was thinking about hiring you. I want to hear from clients in their own words why I should hire you."
Suddenly the lights came on! Harry held what looked like a Smith & Wesson SW1911, pointed right at me. James sat at a table. Before him lay some nice sharp cheddar, a bottle of Syrah, and three wine glasses. It was a setup, a trap!
James looked at the big knife strapped to my leg and chuckled. "They’re called drive-by shootings for a reason," he said, "You thought you were clever, bringing a knife to a gunfight. How does that thing do with cheddar?"
"Great," I said, "so sharp that even a well-aged cheddar doesn’t crumble." I slipped the knife from its sheath–slowly–I didn’t want to make Harry nervous. It is a little-known fact that military combat knives are great at slicing cheese.
"You can put that away," I said to Harry. "I didn’t come for you, only for the design. Let’s pour a glass and raise a toast to the new design–whatever it will be."
"Hear, hear," Harry said as he took a chair. James poured and we all clinked our raised glasses together. The conversation went on long into the early morning. I got up to take my leave and headed for the window by which I had slipped in earlier.
"You can go out the front door, you know," said James.
"Uh… yeah, I knew that," I said, "See you guys later." I left them to craft their design plans and headed back to my secret compound deep in the Green Mountains of Vermont. I stowed my gear, brewed up a fresh French press of strong coffee, and messaged headquarters:
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
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Harry and James are good friends. They really are redesigning, and they really are asking for your input. Why don’t you head on over and offer your suggestions?